Reviews of a Magical Cloak
Stars everywhere
Welcome to The Moon At The End Of The Road!
Ah gentle reader, has it really been another month? I don’t know. Time is utterly meaningless here in the writing void. But here we are, arriving at another story! That’s surely a good time, whenever it may be.
Today’s story is a rather more light-hearted romp, so no trigger warnings other than references to capitalism, that ever-encroaching force running around the universe with a pricing gun, searching for profit in the very ephemera of life itself.
If you like this story, spread it to your friends with the vigour of a HerbaWayVon seller climbing into your DMs for the first time since high school to give you the AMAZING NEWS about a NEW OPPORTUNITY!!!
Thanks for reading,
Sephy
Reviews of a Magical Cloak
Photo by Mike Petrucci on Unsplash
Review (Liz45): Anti-Distraction Phone Case
4.5 stars
Lightweight, flexible phone case, with an attractive presentation I can never remember the colour of, even after staring at it for hours, absorbed by its subtle undulations. Good phone protector, in that not using or carrying a phone limits damage risk significantly.
I bought this for my teenage daughter ahead of her exams. Madam wouldn't stop fidgeting for five minutes (always on those Snack Chat or Tim Tom sites), revision was going poorly. I could see my daughter's future circling the drain until this wondrous device arrived. I think I read it's some plastic-unicorn leather blend, and I have to admit, it's a lovely thing to sit and stroke. Anyway, she soon gave up the silly websites and hit the books. There was some initial suspicion from her teachers, but after the pre-mock-exam cavity search, they had to admit it was just hard work.
One thing to be aware of: if you get this for your distracted teen, inform their friends first. My family went away for the long weekend, and came home to memoriam tributes for our teen on the doorstep. Thank Christ she made contact before they could launch the candlelight vigil; though it would have been nice to see the phone case under such soft light. Perhaps I'll crack out the Yankee candles and sit with it in an otherwise dark room. It's very calming to watch, almost meditative. I'm so pleased my daughter is no longer distracted by her phone — her grades are way up, and it gives me so much more time to meditate on the perfect shape of this phone case.
Review (cantcookwontcook): Dangerously Delicious Universal Seasoning
2 stars
Pros: a quick sprinkle makes ALL food taste better. Plain pasta, rice, steamed vegetables — my husband, who previously wouldn't poke a salad with his neighbour's fork, ate a whole head of broccoli for dinner. I hadn't even cooked it.
Cons: DO NOT SPILL. I cannot stress this enough, don't get a grain of this on anything but food. The kitchen counter is missing a chunk after our dog Bernie knocked over the jar and promptly snacked on the granite. Cost a FORTUNE in dog dentures. Good job I caught the husband as he was about to lick his fingers.
Review (Rawry): ??
0 stars
HALP AM DINOSAUR
This review was marked as spam
Review (spankybigboi3000): Size Large Luxury-Feel Invisibility Cloak with Built-In Security Features
1 star
Only giving this 1 star coz it did work fer a bit. Soft, nice on, fit right, but turned off wen I were walking out o Sparks wiv a new kettle, so I ad to go back n pay. Fritzed out agen wen I wore goin to sirprize our Shell at er new place she forgot to give me address for. She wore sleepin an all, gave er a right fright.
Don't wear 4 drivin. It did werk, but I were pulled over coz it lucked like the car were drivin its sen.
Long story short, need me money back.
Seller's reply:
Dear spankybigboi3000,
Thank you for your feedback. Your cloak is working perfectly well; you are describing the security features, which automatically turn off the cloak's capabilities when a nefarious or harmful act is being committed.
The item's recommended uses are for safe anonymous travel, evading the police, general hijinks and jackanapery. Theft from independent outlets and non-consensual surveillance (particularly of a sleeping ex) are not covered. Try robbing an Amazon warehouse instead.
We counter review you, as a person, with a rating of -1 stars. Please work on yourself, and accept that it's over with Shell — she's moved on, man.
We shall not be issuing a refund at this time, you slimy little man.
Thank you for shopping at Aardvark's Emporium. Have a pleasant day!
Review (Rawry): EGG
0 stars
PLEASE
I BOUGHT EGG
OPENED EGG
HANDS ARE CLAW
FACE HAS SCALES
LOOK LIKE RAPTOR
SEND HALP
This review was marked as spam
Review (Screengrrl666): Laptop Sticker of Warding
5 stars
Cute sticker, quick shipping, and finally I can write my screenplay in my local coffee shop without some white guy who thinks he's funny but calls himself "a bit of a sharp wit" hovering around offering "notes" as a way to get my phone number.
The only downside is I had to re-download Tinder.
Review (Rawry): DESPERATE WAIL
0 stars
STILL DINOSAUR
AM STUCK FOREVER?
Y NO ONE HELP???
Seller's reply:
Dear Rawry,
If you really are a dinosaur, how are you typing these reviews? Gotcha, sucker.
We know it's you, Andrew. We can see you typing over there, in Narwhal's Necessities. Looking a bit lonely in the shop, bud. We TOLD you not to stock Anthromorph Eggs. We WARNED you they turn people into lizards, but you were all "la de da, free market, niche product, I'll think of you from my beach house in Malibu." Don't try to pin your mistakes on us.
Feel free to come over and visit your ex-customers.
Aardvark's Emporium
Review (charbar123): Noise-Cancelling Headphones
1 star
I think I'm sending these back. Not what I expected at all.
Do they make it easier to study? Yes. It's much quieter. It's constantly quiet, in fact, now that the very concept of "noise" has been declared problematic all over campus. After I started wearing these, it came out that Noise, as in any audible vibration that causes even mild irritation, had posted a bunch of barely intelligible racist and homophobic comments some time around 2009. There are also claims that Noise helped cover up several crimes, had been previously known to cause physical and mental health damage when unrestrained, and has a long history of disturbing incidents (as in, literally incidents that caused a disturbance).
Can't say I'd recommend these.
Seller's response:
Hi charbar123,
I'm so sorry, it turns out there was a translation error in the manufacturer's enchantment division that has led to several products performing homonymic functions to their description (cf Weight Loss Gum, which sped up queueing times instead of reducing body fat). Please send them back for a full refund, and a return to normal sound with the product radius.
Thanks,
Aardvark's Emporium
Review (Rawry): You Got Me
5 stars
Hello Tonya. Yes, it is I, Andrew. You're quite right; I have been making a fool of myself. Anthromorph Eggs are going to go on my list of bad purchasing decisions, alongside One-Way Cracks In Time and those Unweighted Blankets that induced anxiety.
Congratulations on your keen eye for deception. I have been bested. In honour of my defeat, I shall be shutting down early and grabbing a chai at Espresso Joe's. Feel free to stop by if you'd like to rub it in (or if you'd let me buy you a latte).
Yours humbly,
Andrew
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Until next time — stay curious.